Thursday, May 2, 2013
Scriptures for Parents
The Bible has much to say about vision for our children, and much as well about things both to do and to avoid with our kids. Here's a link to a number of scriptures gathered in one place for parents.
Reality Discipline
Once again I'm posting here work connected with an article for my school's blog discussing "Reality Discipline" (Dr. Kevin Leman's term - for his website, click here) - or the idea that an effective way for kids to learn some of life's most important lessons is to let them experience the natural consequences of their actions (as long as the natural consequences are safe for them.) Closely related is discipline through the art of crafting consequences that are clearly connected to the offense. (For example, if you can't stop leaning back in your chair during dinner time, you can eat standing up.) There's a wealth of resources around on being creative and judicious with this practice of allowing natural or closely connected consequences to form a major element of our parenting and discipline strategy, and at our school's newsletter blog I've listed a number of links - so I won't repeat those here. (If you'd like to see the main article and those links, click here.)
What I'd like to do here is just share a specific example from our experience that I think illustrated the point and paved the way for us to use quite a bit of "reality discipline" in our own parenting. We have to go back in time to somewhere in the early 90's...
Jenni was quite young at the time (I think about 5 or so?) and had been given a set of "Princess Jasmine" pajamas that were pretty exotic. Pale green, with lots of "poofiness" and gauze, they seemed to make Jenni feel like a princess herself, and she was completely adorable in them. She loved those "jammies"!
I don't remember the occasion or some of the details as well as I used to, but Jenni one day decided to go outside and play in the Princess Jasmine pajama outfit. Either her mother or I or both told her we didn't think that was a good idea - but Jenni was pretty determined, and out she went. It wasn't long before we heard wails and tears - the gauze had gotten caught on something in the yard and had torn, and the jammies were desecrated! Jenni was upset, and I learned a valuable parenting lesson.
Jani or I could have argued the point with Jenni before she went out, or we could have really put our feet down and said no. We could have argued that mom and dad know best. We could have bribed her not to do it. We could have yelled and gotten angry when she insisted that she wanted her way. But instead, by the grace of God, we just let her make what we thought was a bad decision. And she received corrective discipline by experience - or what we used to accurately call, "the hard way." The damage to her beloved pajamas taught her far more effectively than anything I could have said - and had I focused on preventing the destruction of the outfit ("for her own good," naturally) neither she nor I would have learned our lessons.
We can't always allow natural consequences to run their course - with children younger or older, there are times when we absolutely MUST step in to help prevent disaster. But where we can let our children make decisions, or give something a try by themselves or with minimal help, we should. Some of their efforts will turn out badly, and we will share in the grief with the child who has made a bad choice or bungled along the way. But many will turn out well, and we will share in the rejoicing. Either way, we will be empowering our children with some of life's most valuable lessons, things like...
Learning or correction through experience often truly is the hard way. We also know, however, that it is often the best way to deeply acquire new wisdom, or patience, or a new skill or attitude. We parents do our children a disservice if we consistently try to shelter them from the consequences of their actions. Jani and I have found it difficult many, many times to not step in - and sometimes we have stepped in at the wrong time, and probably ruined a good time of instruction that the Lord was engaging in with our kids.What has probably continued to help us the most from the pajama incident on has been to remember that we're not raising these guys to be our kids. We're raising them to be God's adults, operating with wisdom and strength in His world. They will need to be independent, persistent, clever, tough, loving, creative, responsible, insightful, patient... and they will never develop those qualities if we interfere with the discipline of reality.
What I'd like to do here is just share a specific example from our experience that I think illustrated the point and paved the way for us to use quite a bit of "reality discipline" in our own parenting. We have to go back in time to somewhere in the early 90's...
Jenni was quite young at the time (I think about 5 or so?) and had been given a set of "Princess Jasmine" pajamas that were pretty exotic. Pale green, with lots of "poofiness" and gauze, they seemed to make Jenni feel like a princess herself, and she was completely adorable in them. She loved those "jammies"!
I don't remember the occasion or some of the details as well as I used to, but Jenni one day decided to go outside and play in the Princess Jasmine pajama outfit. Either her mother or I or both told her we didn't think that was a good idea - but Jenni was pretty determined, and out she went. It wasn't long before we heard wails and tears - the gauze had gotten caught on something in the yard and had torn, and the jammies were desecrated! Jenni was upset, and I learned a valuable parenting lesson.
Jani or I could have argued the point with Jenni before she went out, or we could have really put our feet down and said no. We could have argued that mom and dad know best. We could have bribed her not to do it. We could have yelled and gotten angry when she insisted that she wanted her way. But instead, by the grace of God, we just let her make what we thought was a bad decision. And she received corrective discipline by experience - or what we used to accurately call, "the hard way." The damage to her beloved pajamas taught her far more effectively than anything I could have said - and had I focused on preventing the destruction of the outfit ("for her own good," naturally) neither she nor I would have learned our lessons.
We can't always allow natural consequences to run their course - with children younger or older, there are times when we absolutely MUST step in to help prevent disaster. But where we can let our children make decisions, or give something a try by themselves or with minimal help, we should. Some of their efforts will turn out badly, and we will share in the grief with the child who has made a bad choice or bungled along the way. But many will turn out well, and we will share in the rejoicing. Either way, we will be empowering our children with some of life's most valuable lessons, things like...
- Right and wrong exist, and I have to choose which way I will go. There's no living for long in the grey.
- My choices have consequences.
- If I ignore the advice of others who have the wisdom I need, I'm more likely to get into trouble.
- If I try to pretend that reality does not exist, it will bite me.
- If I work hard and "pay the price," I will enjoy the rewards and satisfaction that follow.
- Every achievement in life has to be worked for.
- If I want an abundant life, I need to pursue actions and attitudes that lead toward that abundance.
Learning or correction through experience often truly is the hard way. We also know, however, that it is often the best way to deeply acquire new wisdom, or patience, or a new skill or attitude. We parents do our children a disservice if we consistently try to shelter them from the consequences of their actions. Jani and I have found it difficult many, many times to not step in - and sometimes we have stepped in at the wrong time, and probably ruined a good time of instruction that the Lord was engaging in with our kids.What has probably continued to help us the most from the pajama incident on has been to remember that we're not raising these guys to be our kids. We're raising them to be God's adults, operating with wisdom and strength in His world. They will need to be independent, persistent, clever, tough, loving, creative, responsible, insightful, patient... and they will never develop those qualities if we interfere with the discipline of reality.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)