Scriptures for Parents

The Bible has much to say about vision for our children, and much as well about things both to do and to avoid with our kids.  Here's a link to a number of scriptures gathered in one place for parents.

Reality Discipline

Once again I'm posting here work connected with an article for my school's blog discussing "Reality Discipline" (Dr. Kevin Leman's term - for his website, click here) - or the idea that an effective way for kids to learn some of life's most important lessons is to let them experience the natural consequences of their actions (as long as the natural consequences are safe for them.) Closely related is discipline through the art of crafting consequences that are clearly connected to the offense. (For example, if you can't stop leaning back in your chair during dinner time, you can eat standing up.)  There's a wealth of resources around on being creative and judicious with this practice of allowing natural or closely connected consequences to form a major element of our parenting and discipline strategy, and at our school's newsletter blog I've listed a number of links - so I won't repeat those here. (If you'd like to see the main article and those links, click here.)

What I'd like to do here is just share a specific example from our experience that I think illustrated the point and paved the way for us to use quite a bit of "reality discipline" in our own parenting. We have to go back in time to somewhere in the early 90's...

Jenni was quite young at the time (I think about 5 or so?) and had been given a set of "Princess Jasmine" pajamas that were pretty exotic.  Pale green, with lots of "poofiness" and gauze, they seemed to make Jenni feel like a princess herself, and she was completely adorable in them. She loved those "jammies"!

I don't remember the occasion or some of the details as well as I used to, but Jenni one day decided to go outside and play in the Princess Jasmine pajama outfit.  Either her mother or I or both told her we didn't think that was a good idea - but Jenni was pretty determined, and out she went.  It wasn't long before we heard wails and tears - the gauze had gotten caught on something in the yard and had torn, and the jammies were desecrated! Jenni was upset, and I learned a valuable parenting lesson.

Jani or I could have argued the point with Jenni before she went out, or we could have really put our feet down and said no. We could have argued that mom and dad know best.  We could have bribed her not to do it.  We could have yelled and gotten angry when she insisted that she wanted her way.  But instead, by the grace of God, we just let her make what we thought was a bad decision.  And she received corrective discipline by experience - or what we used to accurately call, "the hard way."  The damage to her beloved pajamas taught her far more effectively than anything I could have said - and had I focused on preventing the destruction of the outfit ("for her own good," naturally) neither she nor I would have learned our lessons.

We can't always allow natural consequences to run their course - with children younger or older, there are times when we absolutely MUST step in to help prevent disaster. But where we can let our children make decisions, or give something a try by themselves or with minimal help, we should.  Some of their efforts will turn out badly, and we will share in the grief with the child who has made a bad choice or bungled along the way.  But many will turn out well, and we will share in the rejoicing. Either way, we will be empowering our children with some of life's most valuable lessons, things like...

• Right and wrong exist, and I have to choose which way I will go.  There's no living for long in the grey.
• My choices have consequences.
• If I ignore the advice of others who have the wisdom I need, I'm more likely to get into trouble.
• If I try to pretend that reality does not exist, it will bite me.
• If I work hard and "pay the price," I will enjoy the rewards and satisfaction that follow.
• Every achievement in life has to be worked for.
• If I want an abundant life, I need to pursue actions and attitudes that lead toward that abundance.

Learning or correction through experience often truly is the hard way.  We also know, however, that it is often the best way to deeply acquire new wisdom, or patience, or a new skill or attitude.  We parents do our children a disservice if we consistently try to shelter them from the consequences of their actions.  Jani and I have found it difficult many, many times to not step in - and sometimes we have stepped in at the wrong time, and probably ruined a good time of instruction that the Lord was engaging in with our kids.What has probably continued to help us the most from the pajama incident on has been to remember that we're not raising these guys to be our kids.  We're raising them to be God's adults, operating with wisdom and strength in His world.  They will need to be independent, persistent, clever, tough, loving, creative, responsible, insightful, patient...  and they will never develop those qualities if we interfere with the discipline of reality.

The Five Love languages

I've just been revisiting this subject in conjunction with an article soon to be published on our school's blog  (Click here if you're interested in a visit to the online newsletter/blog of Darren Patterson Christian Academy), and figured I would post here at GreenPlaces as well, since learning about the Five Love languages really has been one of the top most-helpful pieces of marriage "counseling" I've ever received.  If you're not familiar with Dr. Gary Chapman's work, this could literally change your life; if you've seen this before, perhaps this will just be a helpful reminder.  So that you can explore more, I've included a link to Dr. Chapman's site down below.  Learning to be fluent in your spouse's or child's love language is a great way to cultivate the "green pastures" in your life and your loved one's...



Quite a number of years ago now, I experienced one of those significant, eye-opening events that don't usually happen every day.  It's not typically every day that we experience what many have called a paradigm-shift -- a significant, even radical, change in the way we view the world around us.  This particular shift in perspective happened to me in a Sunday School class -- a class in which we were discussing a book by Dr. Gary Chapman entitled The Five Love Languages.

During the discussion time, my wife revealed that there was something I was doing that made her feel that I was taking advantage of her, that I didn't love her. And here's the source of the shift:  I had no idea!  I loved her as much as always, but I had no idea I was communicating in such a way that what I thought was loving she was perceiving as neglect.

The problem was that I was speaking the wrong "love language" -- saying and doing things that to me made sense, even communicated love and commitment, but to her said, "I don't care about you."  Learning about the Five Love Languages, and the revelation that learning to speak the right language at the right time was so important, changed our marriage and our parenting for the better.  Because, of course, the love languages apply not only to couples, but in the relationships we have with our children, our teens, and in many ways, those outside our homes.

How do we tell those around us that we care about them, that we love them?  If we speak "love" in a way that makes sense to us, but doesn't make as much sense to our spouse or teenager, we may not be expressing our affirmation or love nearly to the degree that we believe we are.  In fact, as was true in my case, we may not be communicating love or affirmation at all.

So what are these Five Love Languages?  In no particular order, they are: (these descriptions are from Dr.  Gary Chapman's website: more on that down below...)

• Physical Touch:  A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.
• Words of Affirmation:  Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.
• Quality Time: In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.
• Acts of Service:  Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.
• Receiving Gifts: Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.

Dr. Chapman points out that most us, and most of our children, have one primary love-language, but often have a secondary language that also speaks strongly to us as well.  For example, one's primary language may be Quality Time, but receiving gifts also makes the person feel loved.  

A major challenge can occur when a husband's or wife's (or parent's/child's) primary language really doesn't mean very much to the other.  For example, if my primary love language is quality time, and gifts don't mean that much to me, I probably will try to spend lots of time with my wife, and am not likely to give her many gifts -- because to me gifts don't mean that much.  But what if her primary language is gifts, and time spent doesn't mean that much?  We're likely to go through life struggling with feelings of neglect -- of "just missing something."  But if I know she speaks "gift", then I can learn to speak that love language as well, and my wife will feel much more affirmed.  If she can learn to speak "quality time", then I in turn will feel much more loved.  

Since my wife and I first experienced this paradigm shift many years ago, we have the benefit now of recognizing that these things can change somewhat over time as we go through different life stages.  When I take Dr. Chapman's profile quiz now, my primary love language is different than it was around 20 years ago. We're discovering that the joy of working to learn and speak a spouse's or child's love language continues and grows with time - and that if we have different primary languages, we must continue to develop our ability (and willingness!) to actively speak the other's language.

Dr. Chapman has a whole host of additional resources on his website.  There you will find his books on the Five Love Languages, study guides to use with small groups, helps for understanding how to speak these languages in the midst of real life, and perhaps most helpful for taking this to the next level, a profile quiz  that will help you identify your primary love language, and help you explore your children's primary languages as well.  We've just scratched the service here; so much more is available to help you become fluent in the love-languages of the people you care most about.

To continue the journey, click here to go to Dr. Gary Chapman's website, or paste into your browser: www.5lovelanguages.com. 

I encourage each reader (and remind myself!) to explore more, learn more, and invest a little in becoming a better communicator of love and affirmation.  I can all but guarantee that your own "joy-meter" will go up, and that those closest to you will feel more surely how much you love them.

Relative Everything, Meaningful Nothing

I originally wrote the following poem after (as it says) attending a large convention of professional educators in Chicago some years ago. It's still meaningful to me, as I contemplate a culture that wants to create everything in its own image, and in doing so, loses any definitive meaning.  We live in a culture that overflows with words, but (possibly, at least) says very little.  So from out of the past, here are some "reflections."  The Ferocious Love that answers is still answering...  who's listening?

Reflections on a Big Meeting

(c) Erik Ritschard April 2000

You can feel the mental energy: intellects

Taking off on sudden flights of

Fancy, wheeling and soaring carelessly,

Or purposefully, delighting in the

Intoxication of a mind well-tuned,

Comprehending great ideas and high ideals,

As the delegates swirl in well-ordered

Confusion from one session to another.

Trouble is, most of it doesn’t mean anything.

Oh, the delegates will return

To their respective places

And positions with renewed determination

To Become Significant, but to what end?

One here said, “We must save the planet.” 

Why? While in all the prattle the pretensions

Of relative everything are carried forward

And promoted with such fervor,

No one speaks to the Ultimate Why.

The gods of this particular association do not like why –

At least not Ultimate Why.  How and When are easier

And much more comfortable than

The deep Why that would shake the sandy underpinnings.

Why is painted over with careful word-strokes that seem

To capture everything while saying nothing,

And the delegates depart without

Seeing that the Ferocious Love that answers has gone

Unrecognized and unnoticed.  Why?